Lots of people I know, men and women, are upset over Tinder. I have heard colleagues, friends and acquaintances complain about how bad, useless or creepy it is. How it is so difficult to get a match and that when you do, you're at a loss about what to say to that person.
While I did not meet any soulmates on Tinder, I did have a great rate of success...
I have been on Tinder for more than a year now and my own experience has been entirely different. I absolutely love Tinder. I have met a lot of people from Tinder, and a lot of them exceeded my expectations and became part of my life in one way or the other.
I am not on Tinder anymore because I'm dating someone seriously (we didn't meet on Tinder though), but now that I'm off the app, probably for good, I can't let all my expertise get lost without a trace. That's why I'm writing this post. But before I open my bag of tips and tricks...
Here is what I got from Tinder:
1. A number of friends who remained in touch, even when they shifted cities.
2. A number of acquaintances I can hang out with socially. These Tinder dates never escalated to romantic or sexual encounters, but I have no reason to complain.
3. A few professional contacts, including people who hired the services of a startup I started or who I assisted in starting up.
4. A colleague, who occupies an important position in my startup at the moment. It was a really good date, but then we figured that we could help each other professionally even more and decided to stick to business from there.
These are apart from the numerous dates and hook-ups one might expect. I not only swiped people on Tinder religiously every day, I even figured out what works well and what doesn't through many experiments. While I did not meet any soulmates on Tinder, I did have a great rate of success, even if I say so myself, and my friends regularly asked me for advice on how to navigate the platform. After personally consulting a few people, I realized that I really needed to write this article to help out my fellow men.
So, here's what worked for me and what didn't as well.
1. Work on your photos
All said and done, people on Tinder are going to judge you by your looks. The good news is that looking good in a photo is not as hard as looking good all the time in real life. Women know this very well, guys don't. Put in some effort in those photos. Or find the ones that really stand out. Also, remember to make sure that those photos present different (attractive) sides of your personality. If you see a girl who has posted five photos, all of which are duck-face selfies, would that leave a great impression on you?
One group photo is ok to show you are a social person... Best if it includes a couple of hot girls -- it increases your perceived value through association.
Now, how about one picture where you are dressed in formals and doing some salsa steps, then the one in which you are cuddling a cute golden Labrador with a beaming smile, one in which you are delivering a TEDx talk or some public lecture, and then another in which you are sitting in the mountains and looking out into distance -- won't that be something much more likely to attract the type of girls you like? Please don't put something off-focus or hazy. One group photo is ok to show you are a social person and that you have cool friends. Best if those friends include a couple of hot girls -- it increases your perceived value through association.
It won't be the same for everyone, of course. If you are a painter make sure to include some pictures of you painting. If you have a nice car, show it off but not too crudely. If you travel then make sure you include a picture of you at the coolest place you have ever been to. Show what kind of a human being you are, what makes you stand out, what makes you happy and more people will be interested in you.
If you can't find any photos, invest in a photoshoot. Professionals can make you look like a prince. In the age of Tinder, this is totally worth it. I didn't have to do it, but then I already had plenty of good pictures to choose from.
2. Milk your education and work credentials
Once I mentioned my designation as CEO at iPleaders , it had a significant impact on the rate and the quality of matches that I started to get. I didn't do so earlier because I wasn't sure how it would impact the images of the companies I cofounded. Then I realized that if it is OK to be on Tinder then there is really no point hiding who I am. Authenticity is important both in professional and personal life. If you have to hide something then it is better to not do it.
Once I mentioned my designation as CEO , it had a significant impact on the rate and the quality of matches that I started to get.
The college you went to, the place you work at and your designation, all are major factors. Make sure you showcase the best and leave out the ordinary. It may seem inauthentic, but at this stage you want to put forward only the reasons that may get you picked.
If you mention that you are a director, CEO, president etc then your photos must be congruent with your claims. Lack of congruence between what you say you are and what you look like may lead to a higher number of rejections. My profile showed me speaking at events on the big stage. Also, I knew people would Google me based on my company name and designation. And boy, they did. Be prepared for it.
I also hold a bunch of other positions that I chose to not mention. I was tempted to mention my new startup ClikLawyer.com for those few extra hits but I did resist that temptation. Remember: when it comes to an introduction, less is often more.
3. Sell yourself smartly in the description
Unless you are some sort of Adonis, what you write actually makes a big difference. Play to your strengths here. If you are a stand-up comedian and claim so in your Tinder profile, then your description better be hilarious.Many people tend to screw up their descriptions. One of my colleagues claimed that Tinder was useless. I asked to see his profile. Guess what he had written his description? "I love adventures. Looking for someone to spend my life with." Or something like that. So, yeah there was a big fail but it wasn't Tinder's. Who wants to meet a guy on Tinder whose goal it is to find a lifetime companion? It's not sweet, it's just too crazy and puts too much pressure on the woman.
Who wants to meet a guy on Tinder whose goal it is to find a lifetime companion? It's not sweet... it puts too much pressure on the woman.
Take this opportunity to express the best things about yourself in a very concise way.
Here is what I wrote:
"CEO, teacher, adventurer, national award winning poet. Institution building is my latest passion. I love animals :)"
This was the first part of my description. I could have written more: martial artist, foodie etc. I chose not to. It's best to keep it brief and put forward only the most attractive stuff. Can you make amazing cocktails? Write that. Can you take one around the city to discover authentic street food?
Write that in the description.
In the second part write a bit about what you want in life and what you might do if you meet someone. This is the place to be vague and poetic. You write a bit and let the reader imagine a bit.
Here is what I wrote:
Interested in living boldly, dreaming wildly, loving deeply and laughing loudly. I want to meet people who brighten up the world.
Now, the second sentence was risky to write. I knew that this would make a lot of women disqualify themselves and I might miss out on some easy dates. However, that was fine, I wanted to meet the best women.
When women read a qualifying statement and see that they fit in and most others don't, they are often sold then and there.
Allow me to let you in on a secret, women love to be qualified. When they read a qualifying statement and see that they fit in and most others don't, they are often sold then and there. They are special and I have high standards. I established that in one sentence.
Earlier I wrote something like this: "I like women who are deliciously intelligent and inappropriately bold." Too few women identified with this double whammy. I would almost always match with doctors, scientists and PhD students from JNU, and not enough number of times. The change worked like a charm.
You can write much more in the description; just make sure that everything you write is solid and worth its weight in gold. Not something that is a rant or a drag. One cheap trick that really works is to copy what attractive women write on their profile that you liked!
4. Don't swipe too much
Like most men, I initially thought that swiping more would give me more matches. I could not be more wrong. That works for girls, but my research suggests that even the hottest and most attractive guys with highly optimized profiles also get very few matches (about one or two) a day no matter how much they swipe. Tinder wants to keep all its users hooked. Once you get a match they probably stop showing your profile to others. They have a lot of hungry men to take care of; people who hardly ever get any matches. If they don't get any matches for too long, they will leave Tinder and that doesn't work for the app.
Solution? Focus on quality rather than quantity. Swipe right less, and only for the very best. In fact, I didn't swipe more than a 5-6 people a day; I also swiped left a lot. This led to more quality matches and fewer people who wouldn't talk after matching.
5. A premium account helps
The best thing about a premium account is that you can superlike five people every 12 hours, which means you can ensure at least 510 women see your profile every day. This works quite well. About half of my matches were people who I had superliked. I superliked the best; if you are not so choosy then you can expect a much better success rate. After I got a premium account, the quality of my matches definitely went up a notch. I would strongly recommend it if you are serious about getting laid or even meeting high-quality people.
Focus on quality rather than quantity. Swipe right less, and only for the very best.
The only problem is that I bought an annual subscription and now that I am committed and have deleted the account, it's a waste as another six months of paid use is still left on the app!
6. Spell out your agenda and set up a meeting fast
You need to establish a level of comfort and start an engaging conversation. Then you have to suddenly ask to move to WhatsApp because Tinder eats too much battery and data, and what if you are out in the middle of nowhere? WhatsApp chat is so much better than Tinder chat isn't it? Of course if you don't want to give your number, I completely understand. My friends tell me there are lots of creeps on Tinder so you got to be careful.
At this point, if you have been doing things right, you will move the conversation to WhatsApp and launch into a topic that will lead to a necessity to meet. Like tasting food at the latest food festival that she has never heard of, or meeting at an event that you are attending or cohosting. Maybe you need to start an NGO that will rescue distressed animals! Your matches are thinking if they should meet you anyway, so ask early and make sure that you offer a compelling reason.
7. Try and match with people in your neighbourhood
Tinder will let you swipe girls located in a huge radius of 50+ km, but you must not waste your time like that. I rarely wanted to see profiles of women who didn't live within a 3-4km radius. Even if you match, are you going to have the time to travel to Saket from Dwarka? Maybe you are desperate, but it's still better to match with people closer to home. Saves cab money and it's more likely that they will invite you over or you can call them over and there'll be no massive cab fare to skew the equation. It's a big mistake to match with great people who are 30km away. This super-hot intellectual doctor I matched with never found time to travel to Delhi to meet me and I am still wistful about her. Not good at all.
8. Be playful and cool
You got to stop being weird about meeting people on Tinder. It's not like all the girls who signed up on Tinder are bound to have sex with you if they have swiped right on you. Don't make them regret choosing you. No one signs up for sex just by virtue of agreeing to meet you. It is your job to be so awesome that they will want to have sex with you. Be cool, be irresistible. Put in the work to woo them. Make them have the time of their life but don't behave like an entitled bitch. That kills attraction.
No one signs up for sex just by virtue of agreeing to meet you. It is your job to be so awesome that they will want to have sex with you.
On the other hand, don't be a drag. Make sure you got the fireworks. Be excited. Be exciting. Have fun, make sure everyone around you, including her is having a great time, and then escalate. Isolate her so she has a chance to express herself sexually without a possibility of being judged. Ask her if she would like to come home to see this incredibly interesting video or to polish off the ice cream in the fridge. If it works she will say yes. Or maybe she will say no because she has something to attend to at home. Don't be too weird about her saying no. Be gracious. Invite her again. Everyone can reject you only a finite number of times, and then you will either get to yes or move on.
9. Be genuinely interested
Too many people remain in their head and don't interact. Take action. Be interested in the people you have matched with. Find out about them. Ask some questions, and then share about your life. Tell them stories. Have fun. Take an interest in their lives, their stories, their preferences. Then you don't even need to be interesting and you stand out as someone people want to meet and spend time with. How many people take an interest in you? When someone does, don't you feel great? Your attention is a great gift, give it generously, without any expectations of returns. It always works.
Do you know what it is called when you are generous in giving but only because you are interested in an immediate return? Creepy.
Do you know what it is called when you are generous in giving but only because you are interested in an immediate return? Creepy. People will sense that you are giving not out of generosity but because you want them to feel obligated to you... enough for maybe a date or to have sex. It really doesn't work. Don't be creepy. Give because you enjoy it and it's the thing to do. Ask for what you want, a free man to a free woman -- not because some kindness points have added up.
10. Make her feel great about herself
In this age and time, when women have financial freedom, choices in life and they need men for fewer and fewer things to live a fulfilling life, what is the best gift a man can still give to a woman? In my humble opinion, it is the ability of a man to make a woman feel great, to make her revel in her femininity, make her experience the thrill of losing herself in a relationship, one conversation at a time. You can make her feel the pleasure of great company, in which she rediscovers herself as a winner, as the cleverest, prettiest, and most awesome person in the world. What would you give to her if a woman could make you feel like a champion, a hero, a conqueror every time you meet her? Why not make the woman feel like a queen, a princess or at least a great person who deserves affection, admiration, praise and unconditional love?
To make her feel like a princess you got to feel like a prince too.
That's where you have to aim. Too many men waste this opportunity by focusing on showing off or bragging about what things and qualities they have. Women are tired of that. Even if they fall for it, it is unlikely to last for long. Be playful, be happy and content, and make her feel fabulous. This is not the same as supplication or begging for her attention -- don't go down that tunnel. To make her feel like a princess you got to feel like a prince too.
11. Deal powerfully with rejections and keep playing
The biggest barrier to getting to yes is your own fear of rejection or weird reaction to rejection or anything you perceive as rejection. We all suffer from a fear of failure or fear of being invalidated, but the more you work on it and transcend it, the more you will succeed.
Tinder is a numbers game. You will be rejected and rejected and rejected. Most people you swipe right will not even see your profile ever. Out of those who do see it, the vast majority will skip you. Many of those who match with you will not chat with you. Many of those who will chat will not be open to meeting or taking it anywhere beyond chatting. And even when you have a woman in your bed, she might still reject you. If you are afraid of rejection, if you are weird about getting rejected, it's game over.
Mostly, the game is to not lose your cool and charm in the face of rejection. Stay in high energy mode even when rejected, and don't take action from the experience of rejection. Take the action you would have taken if you were king. Talk to people like you have never been rejected in your life. Have the body language of a champion no matter how many races you lost. It's not easy, it's something to practice. There is something magnetic about being rejection-proof, to be someone who is not swayed by outside reactions and is firmly rooted in his own self-belief. It is not something to pretend at -- it is who you can become. If you keep trying, if you intend to become that person, little by little you will become that person.
Talk to people like you have never been rejected in your life. Have the body language of a champion no matter how many races you lost.
In any case, if you don't give up even after a rejection and keep trying, you could turn the situation around. This, however, does not mean you can mistreat a girl, make her feel unsafe by being threateningly persistent, or try to railroad her by being a pest and assailing her with repeated unwanted requests. It means taking rejection with a smile and an open heart, and giving more value and more reason to the person to say yes next time by making her feel amazing. If what you are doing is not making her feel better, then don't do more of it.
How would you know if she is liking what you are doing? Simple. Listen to her. Listen to not only her words, but her voice, to the shift in emotions and moods and her body language. Give her your full attention, like nothing else exists. Not even your own fears, insecurities and uncertainties. Get outside your head and be with that person like you don't even exist. That itself will make you really stand out in every date, every time.
What else? Go out and have fun!